London March - 2010
I don’t think I did a particularly good job, my heart was certainly in it, but it was a new experience for me and to speak to 20,000 people about something SO personal, so long hidden, probably made me stutter somewhat!
But what I did experience was so empowering, looking out at a sea of warm compassionate faces, who were on my side, was unbelievable.
I wanted every survivor of clergy abuse to be there and feel it with me.
I was desperate to share those feelings.
Then when I went to Rome to meet other survivors in October, once again a “first ” for me, I experienced another surge of empowerment, I connected with my wonderful friends, and I wished that all of the twenty thousand people in London could be with me!
Then I was in London for the launch of Survivors voice europe in March, and made even more connections, I wanted everyone from Rome and everyone from the protest to be there too!
Marching with the wonderful deaf and speech impaired survivors from Verona , I wanted to share that experience with everyone again, and so it goes on! Every Skype conversation, every visit , every e mail, has strengthened me because of these connections.
When I was going to Rome in May, I looked down from the plane as I flew over the Alps, and I saw little townships nestled between the mountains, I wondered how it was years ago, before the advent of telephones and cars. Did they know each other was there? probably not.
I imagined what it would be like if a wolf was terrorising one of those townships, they might be weakened and worn down by a constant fight and oblivious that the same wolf is terrorising their neighbours on the other side of the mountain. Being small and alone might mean that they get overwhelmed and don’t survive, or give up and stop fighting, not realising that others had found ways to fight back or to survive. What a shame they didn’t know about each other! They couid have joined forces, shared their strength and skills, and maybe killed the wolf (and his pack!)
Survivors Voice Europe is, for me that connection, with the wonderful technology we now have, with travel and e mails and telephones, everyone is more accessible, easily contacted, and able to join with each other to share our strengths and destroy that wolf in sheeps clothing, which had terrorised us for years.
When I first started to talk about my abuses, I thought I was the only one! Nobody else in the World was ever abused or raped by a priest! Because I was so bad. How could I possibly fight it? get out from under the weight of secrecy, I didn’t see any hope. So I stayed silent,- and sick. Because I learned that it is your secrets that keep you sick!
It is also what the church has relied on for hundreds of years, that people are isolated, don’t know about each other and so they could terrorise us with impunity. The conspiracy of silence was one of their greatest assets, the fear of hell fire and damnation that people lived with, and the “priest on a pedestal” culture that they fostered.
Since that day in London last year, I now have real solid connections with people in the USA, in Italy, in Holland, Germany, Spain, Ireland!
It is our connections that make us strong!
ENOUGH!!!
Today I am grateful for:
The connections of other survivors
My grandchildren, growing up in safety and decency and innocence
The exam results they worked so hard for
My daughter Louise who has tried to break the cycle of abuse within her own children
My daughter Siobhan who has worked so hard to teach other children and has also had great exam results
My son who is recovering and his true beautiful nature is showing again
My beautiful labrador Buddy who shows unconditional love!
My patients who teach me so much
The fridge magnet that tells me that Siobhan and Adam are getting married July 28th 2012 save the date!
This diary which allows me now to go to bed and reflect on all I am grateful for!
Have a great day
Sue X
