August 23rd. First day!!
After talking to a fellow abuse survivor in depth about his story today, I was left with that now familiar “see saw ” feeling emotions. I still get so angry when I see the dismissal of people by the catholic church, human beings who have been so cruelly treated and are seen as collateral damage, but at the same time, when I have my encounters with others like me, and we share our strength, I can’t help pitying those who still belong to a church who’s hierarchy sees all human beings as “fodder” for their ever greedy, ever demanding god.
Most of you will be too young to remember the Bob Newhart recording of the 1950’s where he describes the discovery of tobacco in an imagined telephone conversation from Sir Walter Raleigh in America, to the East India dock company back in London. As he quite hilariously describes the many uses of tobacco, the whole idea of smoking it sounds utterly ridiculous! As I hear the churches attitude to abuse survivors, gay people, women, etc. I feel the same sense that it is intuitively RIDICULOUS! but not in the least bit funny. Narcissistic and tyrannical, it sees people as of little consequence in their greater self absorbed scheme.
during a demonstration in Madrid...
Today was my husband’s birthday, he was 64! He now can sing that Beatles song to his hearts content quite legitimately. He got so many calls, so many messages, so many good thoughts from people, it made me so grateful to have him in my life. He is a very special tolerant man, who has to put up with my banner waving, deep depressions (less often now!) over enthusiasm, (ever growing!) and generally being hard work! The amount of people who sent him birthday wishes shows me how much others appreciate him too, and I was so happy.
We also have Davide staying, a lovely friend who I met in Rome. He shared the birthday with Gez too, and I could see how our wonderful group of survivors are now very much like family. We have visited many English sites with him, and looked at them again with new eyes.
So as always, a mixture of feelings today.
One of the things that has helped me enormously has been to write a “gratitude diary” at night just before I go to bed. The idea is to end the day by writing ten things that day that I am grateful for. Sometimes I feel I could fill a book, other times the only things I can be grateful for is that I didn’t run out of toilet rolls! (and sometimes I say “stuff the diary!”) But I do know that if I write those things down, I am more likely to go to sleep with gratitude on my mind, and maybe I will wake with it too! The brain does a lot of processing in the night.
So I will share that here with you too, and hope you will use this tool that has helped me so much. Buy yourself a nice journal, one that you like to look at, and keep it near your bed.
Today I am so grateful:
For Ton who’ has become my brother and lifts my spirits,
For my husband who is quietly and calmly tolerant of me,
For my children,
For the weather (a rare thing to be happy about in England),
For all the mails I had today from fellow survivors,
For my Italian friend coming to visit,
For Tommaso who Skyped and made me smile,
For Davide helping me look at the things around me that I often take for granted, with new appreciative eyes (even the tube!),
For the photograph from Spain that has inspired me,
For the continuing support of all my wonderful fellow survivors who are gathering in numbers every day, for their saved lives against cruel odds.
Today IS the day, it is the only one we can be sure of having, and I try and stay in it. When I have one foot in the past and one in the future I will be missing the present.
So: Have a great day
Sue X
