Diary of a survivor

Both Sue and myself would like to simply share with you our thoughts, worries, funny things, experiences, etc. of every day. Those diaries you will find here.
You would like to connect to others and share your brainwork as well?
Write to us and let’s talk about it.

Sue Cox
Diary of a recovered catholic!
I am so pleased that Ton has sleepless nights! It is the time he gets his ideas, and this one is wonderful. I have promised myself a diary since I was a little girl, I have started a thousand, and ended them too! This will be different, this is sharing my thoughts and ramblings with like minded people who matter to me, and so there will be a real incentive! The connections we have made, the joy I feel when we are all in touch with each other is something that I would love every one to experience. Like Ton, I may not be able to write every day, but I will connect with you as often as I possibly can.
Lets talk! X (sleep well Ton!)

To visit my dairy – click the image.

Ton Leerschool
Some days are good, others a bit less, but what gets me through every day is my sense of humour, me knowing that I am fighting a right cause, my connection with Sue and the work we do together and of course my wife Paola and the kids.

If I can’t sleep at night I sometimes get the brightest ideas or the clearest analysis comes to me all by itself… This makes my nights a brilliant extension of my working day!
I will not be writing every day, because sometimes I just don’t feel that my thoughts are worth sharing with others, but I will be publishing here regularly.
So come back often if you like…thank you.

To visit my diary – click the image.


  1. Robert Harbord-Hamond

    42 years after the abuse, I am still scared of going to bed, of the terror & the pain, of being frozen with fear unable to scream. If I say that out loud or to a fellow survivor, it lifts for the moment & I grow stronger.

    I am still scared of getting up in the morning, of having to face the perpetrators in the kitchen, though it was long ago, the fear is there subconsciously.

    I am so grateful I am one of many, who are healing together. I feel less like a freak. I realize that the old tape that plays in my head is that of my perpetrators projections that I internalized.

    I have written an inventory of myself and the evidence on paper is that I am courageous, kind, hard working, honest, compassionate and reliable. The truth is beautiful. I feel stronger now with the truth.

    I have grieved the loss of the fantasy of the ideal family. I know my brothers are villains though I wanted them to be good people, and that’s OK, just for today.

    Before the last trauma, I looked angelic in the old photos of me. I was full of beans, always saying to my mother ”what are we doing tomorrow” eager for the next day. I would bounce out of bed in the morning.

    Then everything changed. I looked different in photographs, my body language changed, I kicked out when walking. I dreaded going to bed or getting up in the morning.

    I had died inside. Now that life inside me is coming back, ever so little, little glimpses of that old inspiration for life are emerging. Some days more than others, but there are signs, there is hope.

    Before I came into recovery, I would almost be in tears if security wanted to pat me down/search me at the airport or entering a club one time to support a friend playing in a band. Now I can have meaningful conversations or joke with the security people. I have grown stronger, thanks to the support of fellow survivors and breaking my silence.

    I hope my zest for life keeps returning.

    Sleep well, I am safe now.

    Love and gratitude

  2. As a radio fan, I just heard Sue’s comments on npr.org and then I googled and found this website. Sue, thank you so much for your comments about the Vatican. I just agree with you and found it so refreshing to hear them. Thanks for all you do and I’m glad I found this website.

    Karen Bruns
    Age 60
    Hermosa Beach, CA

  3. i am chairperson of a group called INCAS. A membership of over 300 primarily abused at the hands of clergy and religious orders.
    so pleased to come upon this site.
    We are based in scotland but value the support of all survivors.
    many many hands reaching out and desperately seeking the comfort denied them as children.
    Best wishes to all.
    Helen Holland,

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